Y’know, I was just gonna end the post there and then. (Actually, I was also going to talk about how the new layout came about, but that’ll be for later.) However I came across Skye’s blurb on FaeDubh and it really got me there, so I’m gonna do a two-cent-chip-in. Knowing me, it’s gonna end up being a million bucks instead of two cents. =P (And fingers crossed for YM.net’s new look too!)

Woah. I was one of those caught up in the fighting – the AB war, as I personally dub it. And much to my chagrin, I remember detail all-too-well.

Okay, so maybe my then-13.5 year old brain had yet to learn to be more tactful, less naive + hot tempered, yada yada when with others – be it online or offline. But long story short, at the time, I designed something that was less than satisfactory, recieved a fair bit of critique, got a bit flared up, caused a misunderstanding which then led to a bit of a hoo-ha in the then-community (I remember names like Midori, Megori and others.) Then I calmed down; but the damage was already done – someone decided to take my fired-up blog post that was on THIS very site (no, I’m not showing you where and what, people) and gun it down so badly. The same “someone” – or “some people”, actually – didn’t stop there, and that’s where the fighting within webdesigners and everything under the sun grew.

It’s died down now that they’ve stopped; but the shadow of the damage still lingers – whether you agree or not, it’s your choice. That’s in the form of – I quote – “the lack of community. There isn’t as much support as their used to be.” I might be wrong; maybe the dying-out is just all of us who used to be close-knit in the community growing up at the same time, and finding that there’s other things out there than designing – like SATs/GCSEs/coursework, etc. But I think it’s sheer apathy they’ve got – “what’s the use of looking out for other designers if you’re just gonna get slagged off for it?” I was one of the lucky ones, though; when I was attacked during the AB war, Rachel stuck up for me – got slagged off in the process – but I still admire her staunch loyalty till today.

Still in hindsight, I don’t see why one can’t do off-and-on design even if it doesn’t mean that you’ll be praised for it/you’ll get a lot of attention etc (like before/others.) In fact, I wish I could come up with design ideas more frequently, set them in stone (pixels, actually) put them up and review them. Like most of you, I’m busy as it is (excuses excuses!); but unlike most of the “retired”, I have awfully limited internet access due to my shuttling back-and-forth between two countries (UK + Malaysia) for schooling + breaks. Yeah, life can be time-consuming, but I reckon (yes, “reckon”, not “insist that’s the gospel truth!”) that the “aftermath” of it all seems to give people the perception that there’s nothing fun/good about being with a community of designers anymore. I may not be able to explain the phenomena of the “new-sites-not-as-up-to-par-with-the-old-ones”, but I have my opinions on why the other things happened. And after growing up, I realised that no matter what you do – designing or anything else – there’s bound to be someone for it and someone against it. It just depends on your luck as to whether you come across the latter more often, or not.

Just about everything in Skye’s post hit home. I miss the camaraderie of being able to talk to loads of people in the community – they’re all people who have talent, but that’s not all there is to them. There’s so much to learn. I should’ve treasured the fact that once upon a time, when I was involved and all. Matter of fact, I don’t even know what the community’s perception of me was like back in the days – whethere I was “fantastic” or “good” or “just a talker, not much of a designer”; but that’s now immaterial.

And y’know what? I hate that it’s partly my fault for my ties with others disintegrating. I left in the midst of all the bickering by shutting down my site, Winter Skies and refraining from MSN chats with the other designers online – leaving only YM.net as a trace of myself. And even YM.net rarely got updated because I was in an extreme “hideaway” phase. Then when it was time for me to come back with Surrealle, my goodness – everything warped so much, I definitely did NOT recognise it.

This one gets my “touche” remark too:

My most rapid period of design-growth, in my opinion, was during my Winter-Skies days. I started out with a year or so of experience but still made a less-than-good layout. It was yellowy and featured Daisuke from DN Angel – I remember it well. Then I got better with the next layout; it was Naturo and Sasuke with a photomanip of a murky night sky. And the one after that – pink, featuring characters from Bleach; that was when my blending improved! The fourth (and last) Winter-Skies layout was “Classical Mismatch” – I loved it best at the time because it was the BEST DIV/CSS attempt of mine in aeons. (Skye, if you remember, I used to struggle with tableless layouts so much!) Of course, I’ve gotten better now; but I still remember that moment well.

So what, you say? Well, Winter-Skies was the first site of mine that was subject to quite a lot of critique/scrutiny/etc. I can’t deny that I loved the attention; but it was beneficial. I learnt from others and found out where I could do better. Shame I decided to back-out from it all after that.

Sure, I’ve changed even more with Surrealle – but it’s no longer the same really. Everything’s so much slower, in a nutshell.

My dad always claimed that “if you love something, there’s always enough/some time for it.” I guess I decided to leave it – webdesigning, that is; and look now. I hate to admit this, but I’m also scared about the “what ifs” that come from me disappearing from aeons, and then trying to re-fit in. I still feel that my reputation during the AB war is still lingering on me, and that people remember me for it instead of the other stuff I’ve done. (Not that I was an “amazing designer” – I never claim myself to be. I just do it for love of the activity.)

And even with the new designers around, I’m still haunted by that “past” and end up not “reaching out”. I did attempt to, once – when a certain someone known as Chiyuki (no, I HAVE to state the details) applied for affiliation at Surrealle and I accepted. But her actions thereafter only served to make me even more skeptical + cynical towards the new kids on the block.

But in spite of all that, I’m still very lucky. I still manage speak to people like Scarlet/Saryka, Rachel and Faye. Then there are others like Skye, Aneesah, Naz and Ayme who drop by now and then. I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t stay in touch with the others – and that I’ve only recently lost contact with one of them who was a very dear friend of mine (I still consider him as a friend – silly me); but well, I’m thankful for what I have now.

And Skye: that motivation was just what I needed. I’m mulling about how I can contribute based on the limitations I have at hand – especially during school/term-time. Breaks are just about the only times I can actually do anything. And in fact…I might just end up being one of the “older designers” (not really -_-) who need to go back to basics, really. I don’t really know where my standards lie amongst others in the community. *hangs head*

Despite the fact that I felt I should’ve stuck through the hard times and kept Winter-Skies.net up, I’m partly glad I started afresh with Surrealle. I might not get the popularity WS did with it; but my break before Surrealle gave me the chance to rediscover/reinvent myself, grow up a bit, and express the changes through the oddball “expressite” of mine. =) If you’re unsure why I call it an “expressite”, read this page. I don’t regret keeping YM.net up instead of starting a whole new blog; that way, I can look back at the archives and see how much I’ve changed. And feel proud about it.

Or I could simply say, no point dwelling over the past that is Winter Skies. Now if I can get outta my paranoia and start getting involved in (what’s left of) our designer-community…then that’s my old fears, conquered.

There’s a sentence on Surrealle that mentions another reason for my comeback: “Ariane also wanted to get in touch with the new designers of the community; wanting to see them grow in some way. Being well aware of that, Surrealle.com was born on August 2007 (a year after the “resignation” from the community. Wow.)” Now to *actually* make that happen!

Ari out – to make way for comments, that is.