dear my friend

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 23:25
Posted in category Connexions, Cyberspace, Rantage

The extra “my” is intentional; it’s the title of an Every Little Thing song. Speaking of which, reminds me about the “recipient” of this letter. Said recipient is a great friend of mine…was.

Hey mate,

I wonder how you are. I’ve always been wondering. You can’t blame me; it’s one of those things friends do – more so if you’re female (that’s me, duh.) However, the “how are you” that you hear/see doesn’t do any justice in telling you how much I feel you’ve really screwed with me. I hope that it wasn’t intentional; but either way, your actions – or lack thereof – have left me in a mix of anger, hurt, annoyance and betrayal.

I’m feeling all this because you’ve begun avoiding me since early April despite my attempts to see how you are. I emailed you once or twice from Apr – Jul with month gaps in between, and left 2 messages – one on MSN, one on your profile. Yet, you’ve still lingered on places like your music network profile, updated your site in late April, and interacted with others on said music/social network while completely stonewalling my messages. And they weren’t even coming at you one-a-minute; I actually left month-long gaps or more in between – I didn’t want to seem like a nag as I understood you were busy. But you don’t claim to be “busy” and have the time to do an overhaul on your site – yet NOT have the time to write a very short message. I did tell you, regardless of the fact that I’m talkative on email, I don’t mind if you write short replies.

It’s funny how much things have changed since the last year when we became better friends. This time last year, we would be chatting about…nearly everything under the sun. Say, how the summer’s been so far, how the notion of school still lingers no matter what, friends and their quirks, and other life issues. And forgive me for saying this; but through the course of time, we ended up being somewhat good mates – even if the frequent MSN convos dwindled into weekly (give or take) emails, and later on bi-weekly. At times you would end up busy and forget to write for at least a month; and I would just give a slight prod – but I was never angry or impatient; I was only concerned if everything was okay at your end. And what right have I got to be iffed if you don’t reply – I don’t actually know how busy you are; though you tell me that you have summer school/tuition and other things to do. As it is, I was content that you and I could talk to each other about quite a few things. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I think we broke down quite a few barriers with each other.

If you don’t believe me, let me remind you. Remember that time where you ended up writing to me about your issues with a friend who was screwing you about? I don’t know whether I was much help to you in the end, but I did what I could (more like listen and reclarify your feelings) and you claimed that you were grateful. I didn’t tell you this; but I was happy that you sought to share your feelings with me, even though I was probably text on screen from an unknown source. Then later on, when I ended up having some tough issues with people in boarding school, you were there for me – I was content that I had a good friend. I had problems, you had problems, we may not have shared EVERYTHING with each other; but we talked out some of the *main* things that were going on in our lives. Supported each other and everything.

Maybe I have no right to feel resentful towards you because hey, I don’t know you IRL. You’re just some guy living more than 8000 miles away from me. And you want your privacy. But when you interact with someone and have shared so much with them, you don’t just up and leave without a reason; and if they ask you, you don’t just ignore. I think if someone takes the time to drop you a line out of sheer friendship and concern, they deserve at least a “hi” back even if you don’t want to explain yourself. And if you don’t want to explain yourself, you should MENTION it. You don’t leave me hanging like that.

5 months ago, I said I was clearing out my circle of friends. I told you that if you found it too troublesome to stay in touch, tell me and we can cease contact, no questions asked. You claimed that you were sorry that I had to put up with people like that, but you enjoyed the emails and still wanted to write. Well, you ended up not keeping to it.

My other friend has told me to get over you. To give up attempting to see how you are. She said “by all means, say hi if he says hi”, but she told me to drop the efforts on my end already. Part of me wanted to do that; but I can never drop a friend without saying goodbye (or having a real reason at least) – doesn’t matter if it’s online or offline, they’re human even with a screen and optical fibres to mask everything.

As of now, I want to know this – I want to know why you can’t bear to write a short message, when you can do so many other things like tweak with your social network profile and leave messages to your other friends on said social network. It doesn’t quite add up to “I’m busy.” It could be that you no longer want to put the effort in keeping our friendship, because it’s too much work. Or it could be that you don’t want to associate with me because of my flaws/some other reason.
If – and I think if – it’s because you’ve “come out”, like you wrote (in Japanese) on your network profile, I want you to know that I do NOT think differently about people who are in the LGBT category. First and foremost, you’re a FRIEND and I love you for that, homo/bi or not. Either way, I think I deserve to know why.

If you actually see this, I hope you understand how I feel now. And I want to hear your side of the story, I really do. Please – PLEASE – talk to me if you see this.

If you don’t…I wish you all the best in life. I still haven’t decided whether to give up on you completely; I might email you just before summer ends for me. But I’m really upset. And I’m crying right now, while you’re listening to; probably unaware that this is up.


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4 Responses to “dear my friend”

  1. Skye says:

    July 31st, 2008 at 8:50 pm

    *hugs* Thats all I can really say.

  2. Catherine says:

    August 1st, 2008 at 1:19 am

    I think it’s bad what he’s doing. People should not just leave you hanging like that.

    I hope things work out in the end : ) Perhaps it’s time to accept he’s not wanting to bother with you anymore. His loss right?

  3. Christine says:

    August 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm

    Hello. I noticed your response to my comment at FaeDubh (“Why so serious?” post), and your comment over at At the end, you said: “I’d like to mention though that by reading the response to Angel’s new post on FD, maybe “Anonymous” ain’t so anonymous now.”

    I don’t see how my comment has anything to do with “Anonymous” over at AB. Could you elaborate? I’m assuming you were referring to my comment (being that I was the first to comment, and yours is right after mines), that is…but please correct me if I’m wrong.

  4. Ryuku says:

    August 3rd, 2008 at 10:17 am

    That’s terrible. That’s quite rude to do just simply ignore you while he talks with other people. I hope you feel much better soon.