Archive for the ‘Academia’ Category

I’m not sure if it’s just me, or if I’m just one of those people “doomed” to have atypical friendships and social circles. Actually, I wouldn’t consider them atypical; but they’re definitely not what any old Joe/Jane would expect to have to go through. Not all of this, anyway.

For starters, I’m not part of a stereotypical high school clique; or just any old clique per se. That’s probably because I’m not 1) preppy 2) popular 3) a cheerleader 4) uber-nerdy 5) uber-AZN (as they would refer to themselves) or 6) a musical hermit. I love having my cake and eating it as well; so I’m involved in a good mix of stuff and talk to a lot of people. Which is what they never really understand about me. -_- If I were to actually follow personalities on TV shows, I think I’d be pretty much an Inbetweener (reference to E4′s hit comedy series The Inbetweeners; a bunch of students not cool enough to be popular but not nerdy enough to be geeks.)

Moving on – except for some treasured few, I seem to have a notorious track record for not getting along with peers of my age/year group. Juniors and seniors are all right, and I’m (touch wood) brilliant with kids and adults. However, try as I may, people from my year group just don’t take a shine to me. This became a lot more evident when I went to England – and know what? It’s actually not my fault that we don’t get on; Mr Marshman (my houseparent) reckons it’s just a case of different intellectual levels (so sue me if I don’t feel like comparing Daniel Radcliffe with Jeremy Sumpter – go ahead if you will; I just don’t really want to participate per se, thanks.) Perhaps I just have to be a bit more patient – people change and grow up more during their late teenage years.

The final thing – which has also ended up being a source of jibes – is the fact that I get on better with lads than chicas. I won’t lie and say that it’s better to share certain things with members of your own sex – even though I hate stereotypes, most of the girls around me are complete b****es. When it comes to friendly banter, more often than not, it’s guys that I tend to have it with. And unsurprisingly, some the dudes I hang out with happen to be the people I go to with my light worries. I must admit I do stay away from the popular ones, though; they tend to be very jock-ish characters without the ability to sustain a convo.
Not to say that I don’t get along with girls full stop. My two oldest best friends are girls I’ve known since primary school who are 1) living miles away from me and 2) are of a totally different background compared to mine. One doesn’t speak English as her first language either.

So far, these are the sort of things that I’ve grown to get used to – which other people sometimes condemn as an “abnormal social life”. Hopefully you agree with me. There are, however, certain not-so-typical friendships I’ve experienced in my teen years; some of which I’m still trying to get a clue on.

Read the rest of this entry »

When someone ignores – or as I say, “stonewalls” you, it should be for a legit reason.

Or at least, that’s what I think anyway.

Sadly, this usually isn’t the case. I’m very much caught in a cycle of people – two of my dorm mates, in fact – who opt to ignore me for no reason, which leaves me feeling confused and hurt. They refuse to make it clear as to why, even when I ask. This builds up some animosity and soon, both parties reach a breaking point – which, so far, has always been the other party finally accusing me of something that I’ve done (“which is why we can’t take it!”) It can be reasonable, or it can be mundane + senseless.

But since I’ve had the shortcoming of wanting everyone to like me, I’ve always taken the blame for it. Most of it, if not all. We then get on again…to wait for the next time this fallout happens.

This time, however, I’ve had it.

You don’t hold a grudge against people for the little things – especially when they’re not doing the same to you. I’ve always forgiven them for the little idiotic things they’ve done; but they can’t find it in them to do the same for me.

You don’t “keep it in” as to why you’re ticked off at me, and later say “we don’t tell you because you’ll start getting mad at us.” Sure, I’m not perfect – I’ll irk you. But it better be a legit reason as to why you’re also ticked off. Not something like “you wear the wrong shoes”.

Finally, you don’t ever – and I mean, you don’t ever make it feel like it’s my fault all the time. Especially after you two climb out of a window just to avoid me going to breakfast with you guys. And actually being proud about it!

Well, guess what?

I am sick and tired of all the hours I’ve wasted trying to get on with you guys.

Both of you always say that it’s my fault. I’m always doing things that “don’t fit in with everyone else”. I’m always “weird”. I’m always “too sensitive”. It took a while, but some sensible people liking me and genuinely being my friend, despite the “annoying” quirks, as you call it, made me realise that both of you aren’t even worth it.

Doesn’t matter if one of you is the star pianist of the school.

Doesn’t matter if the other one of you is “likeable”. In fact, I take that back; what I said about you weeks ago. A likeable person doesn’t go to great lengths to hurt someone and not feel ashamed about it. You – both of you – even defended the fact that you crawled out that window when everyone else asked you “why”!

I don’t regret the many things I’ve done to “annoy” you now. My only regret is being so concerned that you guys were “upset.” Because frankly, since you never cared for me (both of you said “we care for you, that’s why we tell you off” – 24/7?!) – you don’t deserve a drip of my compassion. You never cared that I was feeling ill and homesick. Even when I told you guys – you had to go, “yeah, WHATEVER”?! And you then say I’m not sensitive towards your needs. Bull.

I don’t care if you’re my dorm mates; or if you’ll make it uncomfortable for me. Or if you rope the 3rd one in just because. I’m just going to strike out and go with some other people.

Sure, I don’t have a “firm friend” like you two have each other 24/7. I flit around with lots of people; that’s me. It’s gonna be hard going to meals by myself, because you guys will try and edge me out. But at least I know that I’m gonna come up top after all this junk.

Adieu, you twosome. It’s been nasty while it lasted.

mood//docile
munchies//tiramisu – made it myself. =)
music//m-flo – A.D.D.P. / loves Monday Michiru

I’m pretty sure you guys will hear the name Leona Lewis at some point in your life (that is, if you haven’t already.) This amazing yet down-to-earth Brit singer was the winner of an Idol-type competition we have here in England dubbed The X Factor (if I’m not wrong, we no longer do Pop Idol here in England) – and yes, we’ve got your “friendly” Simon Cowell who’s involved in judging and producing some of the winners/finalists.

But contrary to what you may think, this post isn’t about Leona. Or her successor (Alexandra Burke.)

As part of our school’s efforts to raise funds for the girls’ hockey + netball tour to Australia and Singapore, the girls thought it would be a good idea to have our own smaller-scale “replica” of The X Factor. We did away with the auditions, voting lines, and the mentoring – it was just interested performers signing up to sing/do their own thing, with 4 “judges” on stage (they weren’t really THAT serious, although we did have a mock-Simon-Cowell in the form of a sarky history teacher). We got money by having spectators pay at least 2 quid (£2) at the door to watch the show.

Guess who was part of the line up?

Yes, yours truly.

Now although I’ve mentioned that I’m on a music scholarship at my school, 1) it was to do with instrumental skill and 2) I’m not known as a stellar singer. Don’t ask what went on in my mind, but I thought it would be fun to just go upon stage, and just sing. So I told Flo (the organiser) to put my name down, having picked Dido’s “White Flag” as my song of choice for the day.

Then the day rolled around, and whilst waiting for my turn along with some of the other performers, I’d realised that the song title beside my name on the runner’s list wasn’t the song I picked. It *was* a Dido song indeed, but it was “Here With Me” instead. Slightly shocked, I asked the runner to help me check whether it was just a mistype (Dido’s known to sing so many hits) – and it turns out that Flo had downloaded the wrong song. 0_0

There wasn’t any other option except for 1) pull out (BOO!) or 2) learn the lyrics of the other song. Let’s just say that I opted for the latter. =D The MC helped by swapping the order, putting my name second-last in the line up – so I had 10+ mins to learn up as much of the lyrics as I could.

You’re right if you thought that my heart was probably pounding in my chest when I was up on that stage. After all, this was the very first time where I was singing in front of a 300-400+-strong audience (there are over 500 students in my school)! True, I’ve performed quite a bit in musical + drama terms, but those were never solo; rather, they were group/ensemble performances. As for singing, the last time I sang solo was in 2006, in front of a more forgiving (Malaysian) audience during that year’s prefect dinner.

I might say that, ironically, though the Brits in my school were a less-forgiving audience (don’t ask!), this probably motivated me more, and I actually performed better than back in 2006. Considering the fact I only had 10 minutes to learn the lyrics (I knew the music beforehand, so that helped), I’ll say that was a pretty good run. =)

After it all, although I didn’t win (that went to a classmate, who’s been singing for years at Queen’s), the whole experience has made me realise that I actually enjoy music, and that I could possibly explore it as a career. No, not just as a plain ol’ singer, but more in the songwriting sense.

You see, prior to that performance, I had been getting these catchy music riffs off and on that would pop up in my mind, prompting me to log them down. This had been happening since I completed my GCSE Music Britpop-styled (think Oasis, Blur) composition, the whole “waves of inspiration for songs” thing.

“So what,” you say? “Anyone can just come up with a random string of notes, no big.”

They weren’t just “ordinary riffs”; the kind that people hear as a single-line melody and later add to it. Me, I would tend to hear them in “full harmony” – that is, with a full band (guitar, piano, bass, drums, synthesizers, the works!) Goodness knows why, but since then, I’ve just logged down these riffs by 1) humming them in a dictaphone or 2) keying what I hear “in my mind” into Sibelius + Cubase. None of them have been further developed into full-blown songs as I don’t have the means/technology/peripherals to yet, but I’m enjoying the rid so far.

Both my parents know, and they think it’s a good thing since I enjoy it – but I’m now torn as this means that my higher-education choice is gonna be a real toughie. Mum calls me her “all-rounder” since I’m (touch wood) academically strong in the sciences + maths AND in languages, but I’m also good at all the “technical” electives I’m taking (Drama, Food Tech, etc.) And it’s not like I hate any of the subjects I do, I actually have a keen interest in a lot of things.
To quote my music teacher, Mr Hedges, “you want to do too much, Ari!”

So yeah, I’m tres confused – as the Japanese would say, doushiyou? My friends say that there’s no need to worry about choices just as yet, but I feel time closing in – I don’t want to have to give up anything I enjoy, really.